I’ve been reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, and Chapter 14 is proving to be very interesting, and something I needed to hear.
It’s about control.
Not the kind of control that’s obvious, like being overbearing or demanding, but the quiet kind. The kind that sneaks into conversations, into relationships, into the way we interact with people we care about. The kind that stems from fear.
We want people to change—not because we’re trying to manipulate them, but because we’re afraid. Afraid they won’t care as much as we do. Afraid they won’t show up in the way we need them to. Afraid we’ll invest time, energy, emotions into someone who won’t do the same in return.
But here’s the truth: people only change when they feel like it. Not when we ask. Not when we push. Not when we try to guide them toward what we think is best.
They change when—and if—they are ready.
And that brings me back to him.
I asked him to hang out. That’s all. It wasn’t a big request. But his energy shifted. One moment, he was engaged, playful, excited. The next, it was like I had flipped a switch, and suddenly, I was asking for too much.
So I said something.
I told him he didn’t seem excited. I told him that getting him to hang out felt like jumping over hurdles and falling flat on my face every time. I told him I wanted to feel held, cared for, appreciated.
And then—silence.
He disappeared.
And for a while, I sat with that. I tried to make sense of it. I replayed the conversation, trying to figure out if I had said too much, if I had been too honest. I started wondering if I should have just kept quiet, let it slide, accepted the half-hearted effort.
But here’s what I’ve come to understand—he was always going to react that way.
Because he wasn’t ready.
If someone truly values you, if they truly want to be in your life, they don’t need to be pushed to show up. They don’t need to be convinced to care. They don’t need to be asked to meet you halfway.
They will do it because they want to.
But if someone isn’t in a place where they’re ready to step up, to meet you where you are, to offer what you need?
Nothing you say will change that.
People only change when they decide it’s time. When they feel the need within themselves. When they reach a point where their own experiences, struggles, or self-reflections push them to grow.
Not because you asked them to. Not because you showed them why they should. Not because you pointed out the cracks in the foundation.
And if they aren’t ready? If they don’t see a reason to change?
Let them be who they are.
Let them walk away.
Let them show you exactly what they’re capable of giving—and then decide if that’s enough for you.
This lesson isn’t just about dating. It applies to every part of life. Friendships. Family. Work relationships.
You can’t force someone to see your value.
You can’t make someone care the way you do.
You can’t control whether someone grows or stays the same.
All you can do is accept what they show you—and choose whether or not that aligns with what you want for yourself.
So if someone makes me feel like I have to convince them to be present? If they disappear at the first sign of honesty?
That’s my answer.
Not everyone is ready to grow. Not everyone is capable of meeting you at the level you need. And that’s okay.
Because I’d rather be alone than spend my energy trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change.
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